don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
