I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize