Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
