I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
