Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
