You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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