I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
