think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
