We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
