hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
