We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
