She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Is it because I queefed?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
