Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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