My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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