everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
