Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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