Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
