She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
