No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
