I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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