How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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