Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
