I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize