mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize