singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Pants are for mortals
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
