thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
