I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
