so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
