Kiss
Puke
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
