the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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