She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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