Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
