Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is Oprah even human
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
