if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
