You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
