She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
