You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
