Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
