I wish I could punch you in the face.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
