I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
from now on my penis is your penis
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
