the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
