so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
