Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
