Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
