forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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