she woke up with a sticky ear
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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