The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
