Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
