Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
