He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
