they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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