just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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