pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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