i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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