Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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