i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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