She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize