I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
