went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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