My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
