you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
