my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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