the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
