I don't usually arrange sex via text message
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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