Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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