Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
