Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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