Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
