Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
