Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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