i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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