I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
