i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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