i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
